After so long gone, it's hard to start writing this blog again. Sigh. But I fear I must or else I risk disappointing my two, known readers.
I will first say that I needed all my energy and time directed inwards to deal with some personal issues. Secondly (and probably directly related), I haven't felt much like writing anything down. Soooooo, without further ado.... I will make my excuses, apologies and then get down to some good ole fashioned bloggin'. Yeehaw.
Well, I don't want to make a huge long explanation here but I do want to kind of sum up what I've been dealing with the last month and a half. Okay, this is gonna be choppy.
Mid January, Kevin is out of town and I have a panic attack (apparently, I didn't know this at the time). Called father-in-law and almost go to ER but it fades after a couple of hours. At doc's office bright and early. Tests. Tests. Tests. Okay. Diagnosis: Post partum anxiety/panic disorder........maybe. Haha, great. Well, everyday thereafter (except the odd one here and there) I have mini attacks, mostly at night; can't breathe, heart is crazy, becoming somewhat antisocial, fluttery, loopy, just trying to maintain myself while also being a good momma and wife. This is hard. I wasn't sleeping well...it was debillitating. I can't quite explain how awful it's been. I'd even venture to say that it's been one of the worst times in my life.
Anyway, it was getting worse and worse as the weeks crawled by. I laid in bed at night counting my heartbeats and each breathe thinking that it may be my last. I wrote a letter to my husband and family "In case something happens". I researched, equally, heart disorders and panic disorders. I wasn't convinced it was a hormonal/chemical/mental thing. I didn't feel that stressed or anything, I wasn't depressed.......so weird. Finally I made another cardiologist appointment to rule out that end so that I could then focus on what exactly I was supposed to do about all of this. I needed to get back to living my life instead of fearing it.
The day before my appointment I had another attack that sent me to the ER in the middle of the afternoon with my two kids and husband. Geez. As the nurse is taking all my vitals I'm telling him my heart is galloping all over the place and I can't breathe, my arms are numb and I feel like I'm gonna die and he says to me, "You're fine. Your heart rate's fine. Your blood pressure is fine." And then I swear he rolled his eyes.
This is frustrating. I'm in tears. Am I a loon?? Why am I feeling all this in my body if it isn't happening?
Anyway, tests, tests, tests. Nothing. Fine. It fades again. I go to doctor the next day. I'm fine. It's not my heart (they assured me...I'll admit I was still skeptical). According to the tests I am a healthy 32 year old woman (with perfect cholesterol levels among other things). WTF.
So there you have it. I'm not crazy. I'm just chemically unbalanced? Like a ninth graders first lab experiment. Shit. "Don't mix the Base and the Acid!!! Awwww!". Somebody fix me.
The past week we've been working on getting rid of this whole thing and getting back on track. I will get through this. The thing that really pisses me off though is that it's like my body and mind aren't listening to me. Everyone knows I have control issues so that's the most frustrating aspect of all this. Like my sister said, I almost wanted it to be something physical so that I could tackle it and treat it. If something was broken I could fix it. When it's as elusive a thing as hormones or a chemical imbalance you don't have a way to just "take care of it".
I've been doing well the last couple of days though and I'm hoping to be back to normal shortly(or as close to normal as I can be, wink wink to all my homey's). I have a list of things to blog about and I'm running out of space in the margins. I have pictures to post, milestones to track and a whole lot of bitching to catch up on. However, right now I'm going to bury my nose in a book and relax. I need to get back to normal slowly....so maybe I'll blog about the boys later this weekend. I bet it'd cheer me up to start writing all their silliness down, again.
Love to all of you.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Broke down puter and the flu
Well, I'm keeping a list of things I want to blog about but I will have to get to it later. Right now I'm using Kevin's work laptop just to say, Sorry! I'll get back to blogging soon!
Our computer is having problems (most likely caused by my darling 2 year old during one of his spaz moments) and we are trying to fix it. This is not going very quickly, however, because Kevin has the flu (even though we all got flu shots this year....makes sense, huh?) and is basically a lump in the guest bed. Ayiiee. We are fighting to stay healthy.
I'm need my internet access, people! I'm having withdrawal symptoms.
Our computer is having problems (most likely caused by my darling 2 year old during one of his spaz moments) and we are trying to fix it. This is not going very quickly, however, because Kevin has the flu (even though we all got flu shots this year....makes sense, huh?) and is basically a lump in the guest bed. Ayiiee. We are fighting to stay healthy.
I'm need my internet access, people! I'm having withdrawal symptoms.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Birthday festivities
I know I planned on it but we didn't really vacuum because we wanted to..... It was an accident.
You know that cupboard that you never go into that has all of your wine glasses that you got for your wedding that you never use anymore because if you have any vino you opt for a short, squat juice glass? This happens mostly because life these days is no longer an elegant sip from the rim of a delicate glass bowl but more of a lippy guzzle from the thick, cheap edges of machined blue glass. Ha. (Also, our toddler must never ever be around these top-heavy hazards.)
Anyway, after a wonderful birthday day where we went to the zoo (with new stroller glistening in the sunlight), went and got a free birthday car wash :), had family over for a visit, and I made an extraordinary crockpot concoction (mmmmm, see recipe below), we had some mommy/daddy time.
As we are chatting and putting the dishes away Kevin reaches up to open the infamous cupboard door, for god only knows what reason; I forgot to ask. In slow motion the shattering began; even before the door was fully open and before the first glass even touched the ground. The sound of a train barreling through a thousand glass window panes is the only way I can describe the noise.
We just stood there, dumbfounded, with our eyes scrunched up while glass rained down and shot around the kitchen like shrapnel. Awww well. I think I may have dropped the F-Bomb to break the shocked silence. Appropriate, I think in this case.
Amazingly both children slept through it and the following Haz Mat clean-up. Good grief. I felt like an FBI agent collecting minute samples at a crime scene. Splinters of glass were freakin' everywhere, people! You know when you have kids that it is imperative that you get every damn piece, right? Or else you risk the glass-in-the-foot scream and the hold-him-down-while-I-get-the-tweezers game.
Somehow after all that I went to sleep and I did not---I repeat, I did not--- have an anxiety attack or insomnia. Yeah! First time in almost 3 weeks! It was a birthday present to myself, from my subconscious, I guess.
Musing.....you know this is the first birthday that I did not blow out any candles on a cake. Weird. We just didn't get around to doing anything typically birthday-ish.
My weekend was lovely and I don't want it to end. Today I put a roast in the crockpot in the early a.m., visited with family again and left Carter at home for a while so me, the hubband and babes could go shopping and spend one of my giftcards. :) He had to keep reminding me to slow down and take my time because I am used to being on high-speed at a store. I usually only have a limited amount of time before Mt. Cartersuvius blows and buries us all in his liquid hot tears so I'm not used to ....taking...it.....sloooooow.
I tried on a bunch of crap, made unhappy girlie noises about my body shape and the problems of clingy fabric, and finally decided a two new things. I never shop for clothes for myself. This is kinda major.
What a good weekend. *sigh* Oh. Except for the fact that my little brother got car jacked at gunpoint on Friday.....that wasn't so great. Effing Detroit. I miss it but only because it's my Home. However, it's a really shitty place to be sometimes and now I remember why I wanted to move away. Crime and winter. Thank All that is right and good in this world that he is okay.
Here is yummy crockpot recipe that takes 5 minutes to put together:
Bluberry Crumble Cake
1 21oz can blueberry pie filling
1/2 cup butter
box of yellow cake mix
1/2 cup chopped walnuts
Place pie filling in crockpot. Combine dry mix and melted butter, sprinkle over filling. Sprinkle walnuts on top of that. Cover and cook on low 2-2 1/2 hours. Serve warm with vanilla ice cream (or whipped cream).
You know that cupboard that you never go into that has all of your wine glasses that you got for your wedding that you never use anymore because if you have any vino you opt for a short, squat juice glass? This happens mostly because life these days is no longer an elegant sip from the rim of a delicate glass bowl but more of a lippy guzzle from the thick, cheap edges of machined blue glass. Ha. (Also, our toddler must never ever be around these top-heavy hazards.)
Anyway, after a wonderful birthday day where we went to the zoo (with new stroller glistening in the sunlight), went and got a free birthday car wash :), had family over for a visit, and I made an extraordinary crockpot concoction (mmmmm, see recipe below), we had some mommy/daddy time.
As we are chatting and putting the dishes away Kevin reaches up to open the infamous cupboard door, for god only knows what reason; I forgot to ask. In slow motion the shattering began; even before the door was fully open and before the first glass even touched the ground. The sound of a train barreling through a thousand glass window panes is the only way I can describe the noise.
We just stood there, dumbfounded, with our eyes scrunched up while glass rained down and shot around the kitchen like shrapnel. Awww well. I think I may have dropped the F-Bomb to break the shocked silence. Appropriate, I think in this case.
Amazingly both children slept through it and the following Haz Mat clean-up. Good grief. I felt like an FBI agent collecting minute samples at a crime scene. Splinters of glass were freakin' everywhere, people! You know when you have kids that it is imperative that you get every damn piece, right? Or else you risk the glass-in-the-foot scream and the hold-him-down-while-I-get-the-tweezers game.
Somehow after all that I went to sleep and I did not---I repeat, I did not--- have an anxiety attack or insomnia. Yeah! First time in almost 3 weeks! It was a birthday present to myself, from my subconscious, I guess.
Musing.....you know this is the first birthday that I did not blow out any candles on a cake. Weird. We just didn't get around to doing anything typically birthday-ish.
My weekend was lovely and I don't want it to end. Today I put a roast in the crockpot in the early a.m., visited with family again and left Carter at home for a while so me, the hubband and babes could go shopping and spend one of my giftcards. :) He had to keep reminding me to slow down and take my time because I am used to being on high-speed at a store. I usually only have a limited amount of time before Mt. Cartersuvius blows and buries us all in his liquid hot tears so I'm not used to ....taking...it.....sloooooow.
I tried on a bunch of crap, made unhappy girlie noises about my body shape and the problems of clingy fabric, and finally decided a two new things. I never shop for clothes for myself. This is kinda major.
What a good weekend. *sigh* Oh. Except for the fact that my little brother got car jacked at gunpoint on Friday.....that wasn't so great. Effing Detroit. I miss it but only because it's my Home. However, it's a really shitty place to be sometimes and now I remember why I wanted to move away. Crime and winter. Thank All that is right and good in this world that he is okay.
Here is yummy crockpot recipe that takes 5 minutes to put together:
Bluberry Crumble Cake
1 21oz can blueberry pie filling
1/2 cup butter
box of yellow cake mix
1/2 cup chopped walnuts
Place pie filling in crockpot. Combine dry mix and melted butter, sprinkle over filling. Sprinkle walnuts on top of that. Cover and cook on low 2-2 1/2 hours. Serve warm with vanilla ice cream (or whipped cream).
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Happy Birthday to da Momma
I know I've blogged about it but I really have to mention again how demented and irritating it has been trying to order my Sit & Stand stroller. However, lucky #4 arrived yesterday and Halle-freakin-lujah! It arrived whole, intact and much nicer than the other model. Yeah! It's fitting that it is basically a birthday present and it arrived just in time. Haha :) I'm such a loser.
To welcome in my 32nd year my littlest munchkin slept for 10 hours last night, my oldest munchkin slept in his toddler bed all night long and my husband got to sleep with da momma. They (mostly just Kevin) then sang Happy Birthday to me at 7:20 a.m. After the serenade Carter dashed out of bed with a determined look on his face. Kevin and I looked at each other and shrugged. He soon came running back full-speed and threw himself back into the big bed, smiling proudly. In his hand was a bag of salted rice cakes. He brought me "Beckfist". Awwwww, how adorable is my son? Breakfast in bed served to me by the sweetest 2 1/2 year old on the planet. What more could I ask for on my birthday?
Anyway, we don't really have any big plans today. Um, laundry needs to be put away, I have to vacuum......Wow, exciting.
Thanks for all the birthday wishes, everyone! It warms this old hag's heart. :)
To welcome in my 32nd year my littlest munchkin slept for 10 hours last night, my oldest munchkin slept in his toddler bed all night long and my husband got to sleep with da momma. They (mostly just Kevin) then sang Happy Birthday to me at 7:20 a.m. After the serenade Carter dashed out of bed with a determined look on his face. Kevin and I looked at each other and shrugged. He soon came running back full-speed and threw himself back into the big bed, smiling proudly. In his hand was a bag of salted rice cakes. He brought me "Beckfist". Awwwww, how adorable is my son? Breakfast in bed served to me by the sweetest 2 1/2 year old on the planet. What more could I ask for on my birthday?
Anyway, we don't really have any big plans today. Um, laundry needs to be put away, I have to vacuum......Wow, exciting.
Thanks for all the birthday wishes, everyone! It warms this old hag's heart. :)
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
The randoms of Groundhog Day
Sometimes I catch Owen sitting there with his head cocked to the side, chewing on his finger and looking at me like, "I am so in love with this woman and I just don't know how to tell her...." . Kinda turns my heart into a puddle of goo.
*****
Today I squeezed myself into a size 6 pair of jeans. It was like a reenactment of an old Jordache jeans commercial. I could have used some sort of pulley system and a shoe horn to facilitate but I made do with a spray bottle of water (to dampen the cotton and make it stretch). Phew. Now. Can't. Breathe.
*****
If Carter starts laughing at something, Owen will then start laughing in bemused hilarity, then he'll kinda turn to me chuckling like "What are we laughing at?" and I'll start laughing because he is laughing. Pretty soon we are all laughing for no reason other than it's contagious.
*****
Three and a half weeks ago I ordered a tandem stroller (Sit & Stand) with my birthday money. One week later it arrived broken. I reordered same stroller. One week later it arrived broken. Now most people at this point would just quit but noooo, I gotta be the one to stick my finger in the socket a third time...just to make sure. So I reorder stroller. It. Arrived. Broken. What the f&%$! Ahem. I really want this stroller. It fits my price range and needs. Soooo, I reordered stroller but in a different style. We'll see if #4 arrives broken or not within the next week or so. If it is, well then I give up. I'll just duct tape my umbrella stroller to my Graco and call it the Mississippi Tandem stroller.
*****
Until having a two year old I never wished for any sort of disability...now I wish for some form of hearing impairment. Don't they come with mute buttons for Pete's sake?! He can sustain a scream for the same length as any professional Opera singer. I wonder if I could harness him for an hour a day to power our electricity needs.... Something to consider....
*****
Today I squeezed myself into a size 6 pair of jeans. It was like a reenactment of an old Jordache jeans commercial. I could have used some sort of pulley system and a shoe horn to facilitate but I made do with a spray bottle of water (to dampen the cotton and make it stretch). Phew. Now. Can't. Breathe.
*****
If Carter starts laughing at something, Owen will then start laughing in bemused hilarity, then he'll kinda turn to me chuckling like "What are we laughing at?" and I'll start laughing because he is laughing. Pretty soon we are all laughing for no reason other than it's contagious.
*****
Three and a half weeks ago I ordered a tandem stroller (Sit & Stand) with my birthday money. One week later it arrived broken. I reordered same stroller. One week later it arrived broken. Now most people at this point would just quit but noooo, I gotta be the one to stick my finger in the socket a third time...just to make sure. So I reorder stroller. It. Arrived. Broken. What the f&%$! Ahem. I really want this stroller. It fits my price range and needs. Soooo, I reordered stroller but in a different style. We'll see if #4 arrives broken or not within the next week or so. If it is, well then I give up. I'll just duct tape my umbrella stroller to my Graco and call it the Mississippi Tandem stroller.
*****
Until having a two year old I never wished for any sort of disability...now I wish for some form of hearing impairment. Don't they come with mute buttons for Pete's sake?! He can sustain a scream for the same length as any professional Opera singer. I wonder if I could harness him for an hour a day to power our electricity needs.... Something to consider....
Monday, February 2, 2009
Welcome February and all the joy therein
I guess I'll be around for a while, people....we think. According to my doctor, I probably won't die. Gee, thanks for the upbeat neutrality, doc. Way to walk the line. Then to follow up with a heavenly message (completely normal, right?), he proceeded to Witness to me. Only in the South would I ever discuss Faith with a medical doctor.
I momentarily had to do a self check to make sure I didn't stamp my forehead with Heathen before I left the house that day. Do I exude a pagan smell? Do I not know the secret handshake?I'm sure he wouldn't have told a good Southern Baptist girl that she needed to find her faith and pray. *shrug*
Well, the last two evenings I haven't had any mini attacks or major problems going to sleep. I've almost felt halfway normal. Knock on wood but I just want to get through this, mentally unscathed.
Thanks for all the calls and emails, family and friends! I thought that maybe I was on suicide watch or something from the amount of times my phone rang this last week or so. Haha. I love you all and I appreciate your fervently held beliefs that I am not a crazy loony person.
Anyway, as I enter my birthday week I've decided to examine the post partum body. Ahem. Yes, it is a must because I am still not fitting into any clothes below the waist. I really couldn't understand it at first considering that I am not that far off from my previous weight (before baby). So now I must have a meeting with the foreman of the weight distribution department and ask him why he is not going by the original blueprints. Have they been misplaced? Do I need to hire another architect?
Ah, I wish it were that easy. I will begin running or something next week to see if I can shift this gravitational pull of all things fatty in the northward direction. I expect to post hot body pics within the month. (<--- self delusion)
Yesterday, we all went up to the park and Carter Kaneival rode his bike around the track for well over a mile (he only landed on his face once; pretty good for 2 1/2). I kept up but I was basically jogging or speed walking the whole time and I am sore! Something must be done people! This is ridiculous. I suppose chasing a toddler around your den or bending to pick up toys doesn't exactly count as high impact aerobics, huh?
Well, here's to a healthy start to my 32nd year. Happy Birthday this month to Me! As well as my nephew Eric and sister Maggie and to numerous friends and acquaintances. Gotta love us Aquarians! We even have a song written about us. ;)
Now that I'm firmly established in my 30's I can see the Love/Hate relationship I had with my 20's. I can say that I kinda miss that girl with her somewhat irresponsible & flighty ways, her travels & adventures and her shoe shopping obsessions. Ahhh, but I think I like me better now. Change is good and your 30's are made for being a grown-up. Well, for most of us, that is. :)
I momentarily had to do a self check to make sure I didn't stamp my forehead with Heathen before I left the house that day. Do I exude a pagan smell? Do I not know the secret handshake?I'm sure he wouldn't have told a good Southern Baptist girl that she needed to find her faith and pray. *shrug*
Well, the last two evenings I haven't had any mini attacks or major problems going to sleep. I've almost felt halfway normal. Knock on wood but I just want to get through this, mentally unscathed.
Thanks for all the calls and emails, family and friends! I thought that maybe I was on suicide watch or something from the amount of times my phone rang this last week or so. Haha. I love you all and I appreciate your fervently held beliefs that I am not a crazy loony person.
Anyway, as I enter my birthday week I've decided to examine the post partum body. Ahem. Yes, it is a must because I am still not fitting into any clothes below the waist. I really couldn't understand it at first considering that I am not that far off from my previous weight (before baby). So now I must have a meeting with the foreman of the weight distribution department and ask him why he is not going by the original blueprints. Have they been misplaced? Do I need to hire another architect?
Ah, I wish it were that easy. I will begin running or something next week to see if I can shift this gravitational pull of all things fatty in the northward direction. I expect to post hot body pics within the month. (<--- self delusion)
Yesterday, we all went up to the park and Carter Kaneival rode his bike around the track for well over a mile (he only landed on his face once; pretty good for 2 1/2). I kept up but I was basically jogging or speed walking the whole time and I am sore! Something must be done people! This is ridiculous. I suppose chasing a toddler around your den or bending to pick up toys doesn't exactly count as high impact aerobics, huh?
Well, here's to a healthy start to my 32nd year. Happy Birthday this month to Me! As well as my nephew Eric and sister Maggie and to numerous friends and acquaintances. Gotta love us Aquarians! We even have a song written about us. ;)
Now that I'm firmly established in my 30's I can see the Love/Hate relationship I had with my 20's. I can say that I kinda miss that girl with her somewhat irresponsible & flighty ways, her travels & adventures and her shoe shopping obsessions. Ahhh, but I think I like me better now. Change is good and your 30's are made for being a grown-up. Well, for most of us, that is. :)
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Boy Oh Boy
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