It's been a rough month

After so long gone, it's hard to start writing this blog again. Sigh. But I fear I must or else I risk disappointing my two, known readers.
I will first say that I needed all my energy and time directed inwards to deal with some personal issues. Secondly (and probably directly related), I haven't felt much like writing anything down. Soooooo, without further ado.... I will make my excuses, apologies and then get down to some good ole fashioned bloggin'. Yeehaw.

Well, I don't want to make a huge long explanation here but I do want to kind of sum up what I've been dealing with the last month and a half. Okay, this is gonna be choppy.
Mid January, Kevin is out of town and I have a panic attack (apparently, I didn't know this at the time). Called father-in-law and almost go to ER but it fades after a couple of hours. At doc's office bright and early. Tests. Tests. Tests. Okay. Diagnosis: Post partum anxiety/panic disorder........maybe. Haha, great. Well, everyday thereafter (except the odd one here and there) I have mini attacks, mostly at night; can't breathe, heart is crazy, becoming somewhat antisocial, fluttery, loopy, just trying to maintain myself while also being a good momma and wife. This is hard. I wasn't sleeping well...it was debillitating. I can't quite explain how awful it's been. I'd even venture to say that it's been one of the worst times in my life.
Anyway, it was getting worse and worse as the weeks crawled by. I laid in bed at night counting my heartbeats and each breathe thinking that it may be my last. I wrote a letter to my husband and family "In case something happens". I researched, equally, heart disorders and panic disorders. I wasn't convinced it was a hormonal/chemical/mental thing. I didn't feel that stressed or anything, I wasn't depressed.......so weird. Finally I made another cardiologist appointment to rule out that end so that I could then focus on what exactly I was supposed to do about all of this. I needed to get back to living my life instead of fearing it.
The day before my appointment I had another attack that sent me to the ER in the middle of the afternoon with my two kids and husband. Geez. As the nurse is taking all my vitals I'm telling him my heart is galloping all over the place and I can't breathe, my arms are numb and I feel like I'm gonna die and he says to me, "You're fine. Your heart rate's fine. Your blood pressure is fine." And then I swear he rolled his eyes.
This is frustrating. I'm in tears. Am I a loon?? Why am I feeling all this in my body if it isn't happening?
Anyway, tests, tests, tests. Nothing. Fine. It fades again. I go to doctor the next day. I'm fine. It's not my heart (they assured me...I'll admit I was still skeptical). According to the tests I am a healthy 32 year old woman (with perfect cholesterol levels among other things). WTF.

So there you have it. I'm not crazy. I'm just chemically unbalanced? Like a ninth graders first lab experiment. Shit. "Don't mix the Base and the Acid!!! Awwww!". Somebody fix me.

The past week we've been working on getting rid of this whole thing and getting back on track. I will get through this. The thing that really pisses me off though is that it's like my body and mind aren't listening to me. Everyone knows I have control issues so that's the most frustrating aspect of all this. Like my sister said, I almost wanted it to be something physical so that I could tackle it and treat it. If something was broken I could fix it. When it's as elusive a thing as hormones or a chemical imbalance you don't have a way to just "take care of it".

I've been doing well the last couple of days though and I'm hoping to be back to normal shortly(or as close to normal as I can be, wink wink to all my homey's). I have a list of things to blog about and I'm running out of space in the margins. I have pictures to post, milestones to track and a whole lot of bitching to catch up on. However, right now I'm going to bury my nose in a book and relax. I need to get back to normal slowly....so maybe I'll blog about the boys later this weekend. I bet it'd cheer me up to start writing all their silliness down, again.
Love to all of you.