It's been a rough month

After so long gone, it's hard to start writing this blog again. Sigh. But I fear I must or else I risk disappointing my two, known readers.
I will first say that I needed all my energy and time directed inwards to deal with some personal issues. Secondly (and probably directly related), I haven't felt much like writing anything down. Soooooo, without further ado.... I will make my excuses, apologies and then get down to some good ole fashioned bloggin'. Yeehaw.

Well, I don't want to make a huge long explanation here but I do want to kind of sum up what I've been dealing with the last month and a half. Okay, this is gonna be choppy.
Mid January, Kevin is out of town and I have a panic attack (apparently, I didn't know this at the time). Called father-in-law and almost go to ER but it fades after a couple of hours. At doc's office bright and early. Tests. Tests. Tests. Okay. Diagnosis: Post partum anxiety/panic disorder........maybe. Haha, great. Well, everyday thereafter (except the odd one here and there) I have mini attacks, mostly at night; can't breathe, heart is crazy, becoming somewhat antisocial, fluttery, loopy, just trying to maintain myself while also being a good momma and wife. This is hard. I wasn't sleeping well...it was debillitating. I can't quite explain how awful it's been. I'd even venture to say that it's been one of the worst times in my life.
Anyway, it was getting worse and worse as the weeks crawled by. I laid in bed at night counting my heartbeats and each breathe thinking that it may be my last. I wrote a letter to my husband and family "In case something happens". I researched, equally, heart disorders and panic disorders. I wasn't convinced it was a hormonal/chemical/mental thing. I didn't feel that stressed or anything, I wasn't depressed.......so weird. Finally I made another cardiologist appointment to rule out that end so that I could then focus on what exactly I was supposed to do about all of this. I needed to get back to living my life instead of fearing it.
The day before my appointment I had another attack that sent me to the ER in the middle of the afternoon with my two kids and husband. Geez. As the nurse is taking all my vitals I'm telling him my heart is galloping all over the place and I can't breathe, my arms are numb and I feel like I'm gonna die and he says to me, "You're fine. Your heart rate's fine. Your blood pressure is fine." And then I swear he rolled his eyes.
This is frustrating. I'm in tears. Am I a loon?? Why am I feeling all this in my body if it isn't happening?
Anyway, tests, tests, tests. Nothing. Fine. It fades again. I go to doctor the next day. I'm fine. It's not my heart (they assured me...I'll admit I was still skeptical). According to the tests I am a healthy 32 year old woman (with perfect cholesterol levels among other things). WTF.

So there you have it. I'm not crazy. I'm just chemically unbalanced? Like a ninth graders first lab experiment. Shit. "Don't mix the Base and the Acid!!! Awwww!". Somebody fix me.

The past week we've been working on getting rid of this whole thing and getting back on track. I will get through this. The thing that really pisses me off though is that it's like my body and mind aren't listening to me. Everyone knows I have control issues so that's the most frustrating aspect of all this. Like my sister said, I almost wanted it to be something physical so that I could tackle it and treat it. If something was broken I could fix it. When it's as elusive a thing as hormones or a chemical imbalance you don't have a way to just "take care of it".

I've been doing well the last couple of days though and I'm hoping to be back to normal shortly(or as close to normal as I can be, wink wink to all my homey's). I have a list of things to blog about and I'm running out of space in the margins. I have pictures to post, milestones to track and a whole lot of bitching to catch up on. However, right now I'm going to bury my nose in a book and relax. I need to get back to normal slowly....so maybe I'll blog about the boys later this weekend. I bet it'd cheer me up to start writing all their silliness down, again.
Love to all of you.

The Dentist

We had Carter's second dentist appointment today....ever. He is still trying to understand what exactly goes on in these places but he understands the promise of a present and a toothbrush. He is such a little man. I was so proud of him! He never lets me get all in his mouth like he was letting the dental assistant (although she gave him bubble gum flavored ring-pop toothpaste for his fancy new toothbrush....did I go to a medieval dentist when I was a child??). He brushed for them and they were impressed with his back and forth skills (yup, that's my boy! look at him brush!). Then he brushed his dinosaur's teeth and then his zebra's teeth (these are his "guys").
After a quick exam the dentist gave me a serious face look and asked me if I gave him iron in his vitamin. Gasp! Yes, his teeth were staining and I didn't even notice. Ah well, it's not so bad...there were 3 year olds in there all laid out with gas masks on getting cavities filled and "work done". Good grief, I can live with a little staining! However, we didn't have to...my little Metrosexual had his first cosmetic procedure done today. Should I put this in his baby book? :)
I must say he did not like it...they pumiced his teeth with the "magic spinning toothbrush" as they called it. I think Carter saw it as more of the loud, scary drill-thing that it was. He was not pleased but it only lasted a minute. Now he has bright, shiny new chompers and I stopped off at the drugstore to get those chewy vitamins for big boys. Out with the crappy tasting, teeth graying crap!
This is fascinating stuff, huh people?
Just take it all in.

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And might I add that there was another Carter in the waiting room along with two little girls with names that are on our baby name list. This is a disaster! We are going to end up with Moon Flower River Mist McMahon just so he/she isn't in kindergarten with 5 others with the same name.

oh and p.s.
I did do his little tote bag and he loves it (he carries his "guys" in it). It looks totally awful but I did take pictures just for laughs....I'll post them later. I'm sure the anticipation will completely make up for my lack of artistic talent.